Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale
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Are you the child of toxic parents?

When you were a child...

• Did your parents tell you you were bad or worthless?
• Did your parents use physical pain to discipline you?
• Did you have to take care of your parents because of their problems?
• Were you often frightened of your parents?
• Did your parents do anything to you that had to be kept secret?

Now that you’re an adult...

• Do your parents still treat you as if you were a child?
• Do you have intense emotional or physical reactions after spending time with your parents?
• Do your parents control you with threats or guilt? Do they manipulate you with money?
• Do you feel that no matter what you do, it’s never good enough for your parents?

In this remarkable self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward draws on case histories and the real-life voices of adult children of toxic parents to help you free yourself from the frustrating patterns of your relationship with your parents — and discover a new world of self-confidence, inner strength, and emotional independence.

Review

“A dynamic, powerful, hard-hitting book. It offers tremendous hope as well as understanding. It could truly be a lifesaver.”
— Abigail Van Buren, “Dear Abby”

“I consider Susan Forward to be among the foremost therapists of our age.”
— John Bradshaw, author of Healing the Shame That Binds You and Homecoming


Bantam Books by Susan Forward:

Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them:
When Loving Hurts and You Don’t Know Why

Obsessive Love:
When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go

Toxic Parents:
Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

From the Inside Flap

u the child of toxic parents?

When you were a child...

• Did your parents tell you you were bad or worthless?
• Did your parents use physical pain to discipline you?
• Did you have to take care of your parents because of their problems?
• Were you often frightened of your parents?
• Did your parents do anything to you that had to be kept secret?

Now that you’re an adult...

• Do your parents still treat you as if you were a child?
• Do you have intense emotional or physical reactions after spending time with your parents?
• Do your parents control you with threats or guilt? Do they manipulate you with money?
• Do you feel that no matter what you do, it’s never good enough for your parents?

In this remarkable self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward draws on case histories and the real-life voices of adult children of toxic parents

From the Back Cover

Are you the child of toxic parents?
When you were a child...
- Did your parents tell you you were bad or worthless?
- Did your parents use physical pain to discipline you?
- Did you have to take care of your parents because of their problems?
- Were you often frightened of your parents?
- Did your parents do anything to you that had to be kept secret?
Now that you''re an adult...
- Do your parents still treat you as if you were a child?
- Do you have intense emotional or physical reactions after spending time with your parents?
- Do your parents control you with threats or guilt? Do they manipulate you with money?
- Do you feel that no matter what you do, it''s never good enough for your parents?
In this remarkable self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward draws on case histories and the real-life voices of adult children of toxic parents to help you free yourself from the frustrating patterns of your relationship with your parents -- and discover a new world of self-confidence, inner strength, and emotional independence.

About the Author

Susan Forward, Ph.D., is an internationally renowned therapist, lecturer, and author of the number one New York Times bestsellers Toxic Parents and Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them, as well as Betrayal of Innocence: Incest and Its Devastation, Money Demons, Emotional Blackmail, When Your Lover Is a Liar, and Toxic In-Laws.

In addition to her private practice, for five years she hosted a daily ABC talk-radio program. She has also served widely as a group therapist, instructor, and consultant in many southern California medical and psychiatric facilities, and she formed the first private sexual abuse treatment center in California. She lives in Los Angeles and has two grown children.

Dr. Forward maintains offices in Sherman Oaks, California. For further information, call (818) 986-1161.


Craig Buck, a film and television writer and producer, has also written extensively on human behavior for many national magazines and newspapers. He is the co-author, with Susan Forward, of Toxic Parents, Betrayal of Innocence, and Money Demons. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and daughter.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Godlike Parents

The Myth of the Perfect Parent

The ancient Greeks had a problem. The gods looked down from their ethereal playground atop Mount Olympus and passed judgment on everything the Greeks were up to. And if the gods weren''t pleased, they were swift to punish. They didn''t have to be kind; they didn''t have to be just; they didn''t even have to be right. In fact, they could be downright irrational. At their whim, they could turn you into an echo or make you push a boulder uphill for all eternity. Needless to say, the unpredictability of these powerful gods sowed quite a bit of fear and confusion among their mortal followers.

Not unlike many toxic parent-child relationships. An unpredictable parent is a fearsome god in the eyes of a child.

When we''re very young, our godlike parents are everything to us. Without them, we would be unloved, unprotected, unhoused, and unfed, living in a constant state of terror, knowing we were unable to survive alone. They are our all-powerful providers. We need, they supply.

With nothing and no one to judge them against, we assume them to be perfect parents. As our world broadens beyond our crib, we develop a need to maintain this image of perfection as a defense against the great unknowns we increasingly encounter. As long as we believe our parents are perfect, we feel protected.

In our second and third years of life, we begin to assert our independence. We resist toilet training and revel in our "terrible twos." We embrace the word no because it allows us to exercise some control over our lives, whereas yes is simply an acquiescence. We struggle to develop a unique identity, establish our own will.

The process of separating from parents reaches its peak during puberty and adolescence, when we actively confront parental values, tastes, and authority. In a reasonably stable family, parents are able to withstand much of the anxiety that these changes create. For the most part, they will attempt to tolerate, if not exactly encourage, their child''s emerging independence. The expression "it''s just a phase" becomes a standard assurance for understanding parents, who remember their own teenage years and appreciate rebellion as a normal stage of emotional development.

Toxic parents aren''t so understanding. From toilet training through adolescence, they tend to see rebellion or even individual differences as a personal attack. They defend themselves by reinforcing their child''s dependence and helplessness. Instead of promoting healthy development, they unconsciously undermine it, often with the belief that they are acting in their child''s best interest. They may use phrases such as "it builds character" or "she needs to learn right from wrong," but their arsenals of negativity really harm their child''s self-esteem, sabotaging any budding independence. No matter how much these parents believe they''re right, such assaults are confusing to a child, bewildering in their animosity, their vehemence, and their suddenness.

Our culture and our religions are almost unanimous in upholding the omnipotence of parental authority. It''s acceptable to express anger at our husbands, wives, lovers, siblings, bosses, and friends, but it''s almost taboo to assertively confront our parents. How often have we heard the phrases "don''t talk back to your mother" or "don''t you dare shout at your father"? The Judeo-Christian tradition enshrines the taboo in our collective unconscious by pronouncing "God the Father" and directing us to "honor thy father and mother." The idea finds voices in our schools, our churches, our government ("a return to family values"), even in our corporations. According to the conventional wisdom, our parents are empowered to control us simply because they gave us life.

The child is at the mercy of his godlike parents and, like the ancient Greeks, never knows when the next lightning bolt will strike. But the child of toxic parents knows that the lightning is coming sooner or later. This fear becomes deeply ingrained and grows with the child. At the core of every formerly mistreated adult--even high achievers--is a little child who feels powerless and afraid.

The Cost of Appeasing the Gods

As a child''s self-esteem is undermined, his dependence grows, and with it his need to believe that his parents are there to protect and provide. The only way emotional assaults or physical abuse can make sense to a child is if he or she accepts responsibility for the toxic parent''s behavior.

No matter how toxic your parents might be, you still have a need to deify them. Even if you understand, on one level, that your father was wrong to beat you, you may still believe he was justified. Intellectual understanding is not enough to convince your emotions that you were not responsible.

As one of my clients put it: "I thought they were perfect, so when they treated me badly, I figured I was bad."

There are two central doctrines in this faith of godlike parents:

1."I am bad and my parents are good."

2."I am weak and my parents are strong."

These are powerful beliefs that can long outlive your physical dependence on your parents. These beliefs keep the faith alive; they allow you to avoid facing the painful truth that your godlike parents actually betrayed you when you were most vulnerable.

Your first step toward controlling your life is to face that truth for yourself. It will take courage, but if you''re reading this book, you''ve already made a commitment to change. That took courage, too.

"They Never Let Me Forget How I Disgraced Them"

Sandy, 28, a striking brunette who seemed to "have it all," was seriously depressed when she first came to see me. She told me that she was unhappy with everything in her life. She had been a floral designer for several years at a prestigious shop. She had always dreamed of opening her own business, but she was convinced that she wasn''t smart enough to succeed. She was terrified of failure.

Sandy had also been trying to get pregnant for more than two years, with no success. As we talked, I began to see that her inability to get pregnant was causing her to feel strong resentment toward her husband and inadequate in their relationship, despite the fact that he sounded genuinely understanding and loving. A recent conversation with her mother had aggravated the issue:

This whole pregnancy has become a real obsession with me. When I had lunch with my mom I told her how disappointed I was. She said to me, "I''ll bet it''s that abortion you had. The Lord works in mysterious ways." I haven''t been able to stop crying since. She never lets me forget.

I asked her about the abortion. After some initial hesitancy, she told me the story:

It happened when I was in high school. My parents were very, very strict Catholics, so I went to parochial school. I developed early, and by the time I was twelve, I was five-foot-six, weighed one hundred thirty pounds, and wore a 36-C bra. Boys started paying attention to me, and I really liked it. It drove my dad crazy. The first time he caught me kissing a boy good night, he called me a whore so loud that the whole neighborhood heard. It was downhill from there. Every time I went out with a boy, Dad told me I was going to hell. He never let up. I figured I was damned anyway, so when I was fifteen I slept with this guy. Just my luck, I got pregnant. When my folks found out, they went nuts. Then I told them I wanted an abortion; they totally lost it. They must have screamed at me about "mortal sin" a thousand times. If I wasn''t going to hell already, they were sure this would clinch it. The only way I could get them to sign a consent was to threaten to kill myself.

I asked Sandy how things went for her after the abortion. She slumped down in her chair with a dejected look that made my heart ache.

Talk about a fall from grace. I mean, Dad made me feel horrible enough before, but now I felt like I didn''t even have a right to exist. The more ashamed I felt, the harder I tried to make things right. I just wanted to turn back the clock, get back the love I had when I was little. But they never miss a chance to bring it up. They''re like a broken record about what I did and how I disgraced them. I can''t blame them. I should''ve never done what I did--I mean, they had such high moral expectations for me. Now I just want to make it up to them for hurting them so bad with my sins. So I do anything they want me to do. It drives my husband crazy. He and I get in these huge fights about it. But I can''t help it. I just want them to forgive me.

As I listened to this lovely young woman, I was very touched by the suffering her parents'' behavior had caused her and by how much she needed to deny their responsibility for that suffering. She seemed almost desperate to convince me that she was to blame for all that happened to her. Sandy''s self-blame was compounded by her parents'' unyielding religious beliefs. I knew I had my work cut out for me if Sandy was to see how genuinely cruel and emotionally abusive her parents had been to her. I decided this was not a time to be nonjudgmental.

Susan: You know something? I''m really angry for that young girl. I think your parents were awful to you. I think they misused your religion to punish you. I don''t think you deserved any of it.

Sandy: I committed two mortal sins!

Susan: Look, you were just a kid. Maybe you made some mistakes, but you don''t have to keep paying for them forever. Even the Church lets you atone and get on with your life. If your parents were as good as you say they are, they would have shown some compassion for you.

Sandy: They were trying to save my soul. If they didn''t love me so much, they wouldn''t care.

Susan: Let''s look at this from a different perspective. What if you hadn''t had that abortion? And you had a little girl. She''d be about sixteen now, right?

Sandy nodded, trying to figure out where I was headed.

Susan: Suppose she got pregnant? Would you treat her like your parents treated you?

Sandy: Not in a million years!

Sandy realized the implications of what she''d said.

Susan: You''d be more loving. And your parents should have been more loving. That''s their failure, not yours.

Sandy had spent half her life constructing an elaborate wall of defense. Such defensive walls are all too common among adult children of toxic parents. They can be made of a variety of psychological building blocks, but the most common, the primary material in Sandy''s wall, is a particularly obstinate brick called "denial."

The Power of Denial

Denial is both the most primitive and the most powerful of psychological defenses. It employs a make-believe reality to minimize, or even negate, the impact of certain painful life experiences. It even makes some of us forget what our parents did to us, allowing us to keep them on their pedestals.

The relief provided by denial is temporary at best, and the price for this relief is high. Denial is the lid on our emotional pressure cooker: the longer we leave it on, the more pressure we build up. Sooner or later, that pressure is bound to pop the lid, and we have an emotional crisis. When that happens, we have to face the truths we''ve been so desperately trying to avoid, except now we''ve got to face them during a period of extreme stress. If we can deal with our denial up front, we can avoid the crisis by opening the pressure valve and leting it out easily.

Unfortunately, your own denial is not the only denial you may have to contend with. Your parents have denial systems of their own. When you are struggling to reconstruct the truth of your past, especially when that truth reflects poorly on them, your parents may insist that "it wasn''t so bad," "it didn''t happen that way," or even that "it didn''t happen at all." Such statements can frustrate your attempts to reconstruct your personal history, leading you to question your own impressions and memories. They undercut your confidence in your ability to perceive reality, making it that much harder to rebuild your self-esteem.

Sandy''s denial was so strong that not only couldn''t she see her own reality, she couldn''t even acknowledge that there was another reality to see. I empathized with her pain, but I had to get her at least to consider the possibility that she had a false image of her parents. I tried to be as nonthreatening as possible:

I respect the fact that you love your parents and that you believe they''re good people. I''m sure they did some very good things for you when you were growing up. But there''s got to be a part of you that knows or at least senses that loving parents don''t assault their child''s dignity and self-worth so relentlessly. I don''t want to pull you away from your parents or your religion. You don''t have to disown them or renounce the Church. But a big part of lifting your depression may depend on giving up the fantasy that they''re perfect. They were cruel to you. They hurt you. Whatever you did, you had already done. No amount of haranguing from them was going to change that. Can''t you feel how deeply they hurt the sensitive young girl inside of you? And how unnecessary it was?

Sandy''s "yes" was barely audible. I asked her if it scared her to think about it. She just nodded, unable to talk about the depth of her fear. But she was brave enough to hang in there.

The Hopeless Hope

After two months in therapy, Sandy had made some progress but was still clinging to the myth of her perfect parents. Until she shattered that myth, she would continue to blame herself for all the unhappiness of her life. I asked her to invite her parents to a therapy session. I hoped that if I could get them to see how deeply their behavior had affected Sandy''s life, they might admit some of their responsibility, making it easier for Sandy to begin repairing her negative self-image.

We barely had time to get acquainted before her father blurted:

You don''t know what a bad kid she was, Doctor. She went nuts over boys and kept leading them on. All of her problems today are because of that damned abortion.

I could see tears well up in Sandy''s eyes. I rushed to defend her:

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Top reviews from the United States

JL
1.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Very flawed perspective- no mention of the key abusers: Narcissists!
Reviewed in the United States on August 18, 2018
Every abusive parent I know of is narcissistic. This book completely failed to take NPD into account and will leave many victims thinking that their abusive parent "didn''t realize how hurtful their words were" and other nonsense. Narcissists KNOW the "damage they are... See more
Every abusive parent I know of is narcissistic. This book completely failed to take NPD into account and will leave many victims thinking that their abusive parent "didn''t realize how hurtful their words were" and other nonsense. Narcissists KNOW the "damage they are causing" and that is precisely why they say and do horrible things. It is how they get their narcissistic supply. They intentionally cause pain, fear, hurt and confusion in order to feed off of us. They wear masks to make them look nice while they plot to manipulate, control and even make you think you are crazy (the term is "gaslighting"). Convincing children of narcissists that their parent(s) didn''t mean to hurt them and that they can just confront them and everything will be okay with a few simple boundaries is asinine. Only more harm will come from this naive perspective. Learn about narcissistic abuse, cluster B personality disorders and CPTSD for some real help.
422 people found this helpful
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W. Custance
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Not all families are forever
Reviewed in the United States on November 28, 2017
I haven’t been in contact with my family for a year. Most of my adult life I spent trying to be the good helpful oldest sibling. And my father would repeatedly ,after drinking, point his finger at me and tell me how he beat my legs with a stick when I wandered off as a... See more
I haven’t been in contact with my family for a year. Most of my adult life I spent trying to be the good helpful oldest sibling. And my father would repeatedly ,after drinking, point his finger at me and tell me how he beat my legs with a stick when I wandered off as a toddler. Not quite one year old. My life was filled with him saying that and other demeaning remarks. He has his favorites amongst my siblings, not me. Eventually it took an event to make me finally leave.
I kept trying to forgive him, and the siblings. This book made me understand I needed to be angry, so I let myself be angry and hold he and my siblings accountable for the multitude of times I helped them out, and was left to struggle when I really needed love and support.
I am not planning to go back. I have a loving family of my own, so I cut the strings. Love is a two way street, not a race track where you get trampled by your horribly enmeshed siblings all anxious to please a narcisstic father. I recused myself from the family trust, just for my peace of mind. I at least don’t need to worry. How the future with each individual sibling goes, ?
200 people found this helpful
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MichaelinPV
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
This book helped me uncover emotional abuse in my family and begin the healing process.
Reviewed in the United States on February 16, 2018
I came to understand my father''s behavior was emotional abuse late in life, age 50, when I started to have powerful reactions to how he treated my brother''s daughters. What I did not know, until this book opened my eyes, was that my mother, whom everyone in the world loves... See more
I came to understand my father''s behavior was emotional abuse late in life, age 50, when I started to have powerful reactions to how he treated my brother''s daughters. What I did not know, until this book opened my eyes, was that my mother, whom everyone in the world loves (and for good reason) was complicit in the abuse because she never told my father to stop. She never protected me and she wasn''t now protecting her granddaughters. Let me tell you, suddenly coming to terms, at 50, with with your sainted mother''s participation in an abusive cycle was a horrible shock, but without this book, I don''t know if I would have uncovered it myself and thereby begun the journey healing and begun to call attention to it within the family thereby empowering my nieces to begin establishing and enforcing boundaries. One of the things that I really appreciate about this book is that the author believes us. She really believes us when we say that we were abused. As anyone knows who''s told someone who knows the abuser, especially a family member, being believed is the first obstacle. Most people we tell really don''t believe us. The abuse we tell of doesn''t fit the person they think they know, so they dismiss it. Not Dr. Forward! This is not to say that she fawns over us or coddles us. It is simply to say that she believes us and educates us, helps us understand why this might have happened and gives us powerful tools to learn and grow, to step into our power. I don''t even know her and yet I feel indebted to her for this painful, but very necessary book.
118 people found this helpful
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Daniel
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Peace of Mind
Reviewed in the United States on September 9, 2016
I once heard this quote: Our neuroses cause the most psychic distress when those who inculcated them die and move beyond argument and mercy. This book brought me a lot of peace of mind before and after my father died. It enabled me to share with my father how the past... See more
I once heard this quote: Our neuroses cause the most psychic distress when those who inculcated them die and move beyond argument and mercy. This book brought me a lot of peace of mind before and after my father died. It enabled me to share with my father how the past had caused me great pain, but I nonetheless wanted to move beyond that in a more helpful and loving way. He could not hear what I had to say, but being able to articulate it, after reading this book, gave me great peace of mind for many years afterwards. So, when he passed away, I had no regrets about not having tried to heal the relationship. I had done all I could responsibly do; I resolved I was not responsible for the riff that had lasted for two decades. I was free.
182 people found this helpful
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Danielle
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Let me let go of the facade of the perfect father who was "just teasing" when he said verbally abusive things.
Reviewed in the United States on July 9, 2015
This book is by far the most helpful and insightful book I''ve ever read. I was always indirectly verbally abused by whole life by my father and grandmother in terms of teasing about my physical appearance and calling me sensitive or saying that I know they are just teasing... See more
This book is by far the most helpful and insightful book I''ve ever read. I was always indirectly verbally abused by whole life by my father and grandmother in terms of teasing about my physical appearance and calling me sensitive or saying that I know they are just teasing when I would get upset. I would have sever anxiety anytime I had to visit them since I never knew what they were going to pick on me about. The past year I have finally started to talk back and not take the verbal abuse. Because I''ve stopped taking it and changed the family dynamic, my Father turned to physical abuse a couple days ago. This book is a lifesaver to help me coupe with what happened, how I can move past this incident, and not repeat the cycle of verbal/physical abuse with my future children. My parents divorced when i was around age 8 and after the incident this weekend, my mother is finally telling me all the things he use to do to her when they were married. I''ve finally realized that being verbally abused by family isn''t normal and it should be a safe place where you are accepted. My mother is going to read this book also since her father was also extremely verbally abusive. I''m doing the exercises the book outlines and i''m amazed at how much sadness and anger i have inside. I''ve finally let go of the facade of having the perfect father. This book will make you cry so I suggest reading it alone to fully soak in a reflect.
189 people found this helpful
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Codybear
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Don''t let your Toxic parents keep ruining your lives.
Reviewed in the United States on October 19, 2015
I loved this book. It was sad, but it got me through a lot of emotions I had and didn''t even realize why I had them. I would recommend this book for any person that feels their parents are mean, makes you feel bad about yourself, makes you feel obligated to them and... See more
I loved this book. It was sad, but it got me through a lot of emotions I had and didn''t even realize why I had them. I would recommend this book for any person that feels their parents are mean, makes you feel bad about yourself, makes you feel obligated to them and guilty. The guidelines in it are great. I think Susan Forward knows her stuff!!
90 people found this helpful
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Love
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Life-changing. Healing. Must read if you suffer from parental mistreatment.
Reviewed in the United States on April 12, 2018
Before I even purchased this book I wanted to give it 5 stars based on reading the reviews, the emotional stories of healing and revelation that this book inspired in people who are left traumatized by their primary relationships with family. This book is worth a decade of... See more
Before I even purchased this book I wanted to give it 5 stars based on reading the reviews, the emotional stories of healing and revelation that this book inspired in people who are left traumatized by their primary relationships with family. This book is worth a decade of therapy. I read the first half of the book in one sitting. I was blown away by the amount of accurate information that was presented and by how many people experiencing the same symptoms and feelings. I wish I had read this book 20 years ago instead of trying to figure it all out by myself. It''s difficult to imagine how many answers, how much validation and healing can come from one single book. I guess I wasn''t ready to call it what it is that I was raised in a toxic environment and paid dearly with my childhood and adulthood. This book isn''t about placing the blame or shaming anyone''s parents, but it is about recognizing where the true responsibility for the hurt really lies. Abuse and toxicity come in many different forms, some subtle and some outright aggressive. Toxic parenting hurts children in ways that neither children no parents can fully comprehend.
Even to a doctor of psychology who grew up in an amazing family this book represents a fascinating and highly educational read.
25 people found this helpful
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Mrs. B
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Ms. Forward had to been there..to write this book
Reviewed in the United States on April 3, 2016
Ms. Forward had to been hiding somewhere in my closet to have written this book. My goodness you mean to tell me there''s a name for a parent who treat their children this way? For the most part parents love their children unconditionally and as we know there is no such... See more
Ms. Forward had to been hiding somewhere in my closet to have written this book. My goodness you mean to tell me there''s a name for a parent who treat their children this way? For the most part parents love their children unconditionally and as we know there is no such thing as the perfect parent. This is not what this book is talking about as parents we all make mistakes. My mother drove me crazy I couldn''t win for losing with her. No matter how hard I worked or how much money I gave her it wasn''t enough. She called me crazy, dared me to hit her so she could call the police. I never hit her even when she pushed me when I was 5 months pregnant. I cried and washed myself several times when she wanted me to touch her in places no child should touch their parent.This book describes the parent who goes beyond normal (Narcissist)to their child that uses guilt to scare the child to the point they are insecure even when they become adults. This book addresses abuse emotionally, physical, mental, sexual and I might add financial my mother used on me and my siblings. My mother used religion Jehovah Wittiness as guilt and this instilled a fear that we would be destroyed at Armageddon if we didn''t do what she say. I decide before I read this book to do NC(No Contact) If you''re not sure even as adult if your parents are toxic you need to read this book. You have options how to deal with toxic parents and still have a life. If you''re ready to change things in your life and take control this is the book to help you. I know that Ms. Forward wasn''t in my home to write this book but this book hits home on so many levels. You would think the hard part of not have No Contact is getting away from the abuse of my mother but it wasn''t. It was the relatives who didn''t know what my mother was doing to us who felt because this was my mother that I needed to forgive her and get the hatred out my heart to feel better. One relative ask how could I do this to my own mother since she was the one who gave me life? I don''t share my story anymore because this raises a debate and most people tell me I got to forgive and move on. What my mother did to me, no mother who loves their child would never do. The scars of the abuse may be a lifetime and you may not fully heal but this book can help with therapy. As long as no one knew about the abuse everything was fine. When I got out and started talking to family and friends about the abuse my mother started sending her flying monkeys-you have to read the book as to who are the "Flying Monkeys" and how they can affect your decision on how to deal with a toxic parent. This book didn''t miss a beat. Thank you Ms. Foward!
62 people found this helpful
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bookworm mummy
2.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Not a great choice if you are a parent yourself
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 9, 2018
I had high hopes for this book from the reviews and the title. I was looking for a book to help me move forward, having realised (finally) just how toxic my parents are and how they have impacted my life. I was looking for something to help me make a new life, break the...See more
I had high hopes for this book from the reviews and the title. I was looking for a book to help me move forward, having realised (finally) just how toxic my parents are and how they have impacted my life. I was looking for something to help me make a new life, break the cycle and start living the life I''ve wanted. The title seems to offer all that. Half of the book is about describing various types of toxic parents and their impact. Now my parents are quite subtle in their toxicity, it is well hidden - but nevertheless they are toxic. I could not find a good match to the issues that I have with my parents. This isn''t great when it has taken years of friends and counsellors helping you see the impact they have on you and you''re constancy doubting how bad are they really? Then read a book that almost implies they aren''t toxic after all. The check lists given - I could relate to far less than the author suggested I should do if I truly have toxic parents. Again not good, I found myself doubting if I really was just making things up in my head. Worst of all is the issues it raised in my head as a parent myself. Bear in mind, like many in similar situations I''m sure, I was seeking a book that showed me how to be a better parent than I had had myself. I wanted to find a way to break the cycle of emotional detachment and denials. A way to be more supportive as a parent, despite having had a rubbish example set for me. Because I believe that we all worry that we will continue that behaviour, as we know it is a risk and we don''t know how else to do things. However, there is very little in this book about how to break the cycle and parenting your own children. At the very end there is 9 pages of anecdotal stories of people who realised they were continuing the legacy with their own children and a very brief description of how each decided to change - no real practical advice. Most upsetting though was that the checklists that I mentioned earlier - when you are paranoid that you are a bad parent it could be all to easy to think that you yourself check many of this list! But without any reassurance that 1) this is typical of the victims of toxic parents themselves - they both can follow their parents patterns or they just worry excessively that they will. 2) there is hope that you can break the cycle and find new ways to parent. As a result of all this, I found that I felt very miserable after reading this book. I felt I was failing my children, had no idea how to do things better and that my parents weren''t even that toxic - but I clearly was! So not great for a self help book! It is not that I''m in denial of my own issues, I don''t think I''m a perfect parent by any means - heck I was actually looking for advise on how to be better! But this book got close to undoing a lot of counselling. Maybe this book is good if you have yet to have children and want to fix yourself before you do, but I would advise those with children already to steer clear. Likewise if you''ve already realised how toxic your parents are and the impact they''ve had on your life, you may find the first half of the book surplus to requirements.
109 people found this helpful
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Caro
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
excellent book,sound knowledgeable information,educational and well written.
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on April 27, 2018
Having had a violent upbringing I grew up with a need to understand how,why. Your parents should protect you not assault you,they should nourish you,not starve you,love and cherish you,not treat you with contempt and hatred. This book is an excellent source for someone in...See more
Having had a violent upbringing I grew up with a need to understand how,why. Your parents should protect you not assault you,they should nourish you,not starve you,love and cherish you,not treat you with contempt and hatred. This book is an excellent source for someone in my situation,its helps me to ''understand'' a bit more about their way of thinking,their reasoning,it helped me to realise I wasn''t to blame,there was nothing my siblings or I could have done to prevent their behaviour. I realised the unhappiness they bore and although I will never forgive or forget I have,with the knowledge this book has helps me gain,manages to put my past right where it belongs,in the past! Excellent well written book with a sound and educated base.i have read and re-read it. Well worth the price.
31 people found this helpful
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Greca
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Life changing
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on August 29, 2018
A psychologist friend recommended this and I was sceptical what with a sensationally negative title. But it''s a life changing book. The key premise that stunned me is not forgiving and allowing anger to emerge. This goes against the grain of so much advice, but since...See more
A psychologist friend recommended this and I was sceptical what with a sensationally negative title. But it''s a life changing book. The key premise that stunned me is not forgiving and allowing anger to emerge. This goes against the grain of so much advice, but since decades of forgiveness failed and I found myself back to minus square one, I was ready to embrace this. She gives very detailed analysis and advice, including how to deal with elderly parents.
19 people found this helpful
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Emma Wolvin
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
If you have a long-standing issue with your parents ....read this book !!!
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 8, 2017
This has been an amazing book ,it offers many tools and covers an umbrella of issues . Whilst sharing invaluable case studies and insight the author manages to gently guide the reader through each part. She manages to also soothe through the difficult bits somehow providing...See more
This has been an amazing book ,it offers many tools and covers an umbrella of issues . Whilst sharing invaluable case studies and insight the author manages to gently guide the reader through each part. She manages to also soothe through the difficult bits somehow providing methods and tools in the process. I feel like I''ve had 6 months worth of therapy all in one book ! I will most definitely be using some of the tools here but also feel empowered to explore ideas and strategies with a counsellor or therapist in the future . Thank you Susan xxx Good luck to all the kids that need this book xxx much love and peace xxx
17 people found this helpful
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Pomelo
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Painfully Healing.
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on July 6, 2015
It opened my eyes. Almost changed my life. What do I expect more from a book? (I have been a resilient reader in recent years in order to find the roots of my unhappiness, lack of self-satisfaction, and so on. Finding the roots and then healing myself, freeing myself from...See more
It opened my eyes. Almost changed my life. What do I expect more from a book? (I have been a resilient reader in recent years in order to find the roots of my unhappiness, lack of self-satisfaction, and so on. Finding the roots and then healing myself, freeing myself from them. This book has been one of the influentials that I have read. Really changed my interpretation of my childhood events and helped me to heal. But I believe what one gets from a book is a subjective matter -to somehow- and also matter of the previous books and future books that one read or will read. Yes, you will come back to the notions of this book over and over. )
39 people found this helpful
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Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale

Toxic high quality Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful online Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life online sale